~ written by Connie Dunmyer
Why is forgiveness so hard sometimes? I know it’s an imperative. Jesus doesn’t tell me to forgive because He enjoys seeing me hurt. He wants to see me joyful. And as I have learned, unforgiveness does not allow for joyful living.
So 
when I’ve been hurt – really harmed by someone – what’s my reaction? Am I quick to forgive? Do I just “say the words because that’s what Christians do” without having processed it in my heart? Or perhaps I set it on the back burner. And in my best Scarlet O'Hara accent I say "I'll think about that tomorrow..." because “I don’t want to think about that now. It’s too painful. I’ll deal with it later.”
Take a few minutes and try this exercise with me.
Imagine yourself having been called by Jesus to be part of a very select few… a special group of followers. You know you’re not worthy, but it’s an honor to be chosen, and you feel pretty good about yourself. Now imagine the person who has hurt you the most in the world – caused you real harm emotionally, financially, physically. Jesus has just called that person to be a part of your “special group”. And it’s not like he’s working on the other side of town. He/she is with you side by side day after day after day after day. And Jesus seems to like him/her just as much as He likes you! How could that be? You KNOW you are better than he is. You KNOW you didn’t deserve what she did to you. Why is Jesus seemingly taking their side?
So one day, after many sleepless nights of debating this in your head, you finally come up with a logical judgment. And you bring it to Jesus:
Matthew 18:21-22 “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven.’”
Whoops.
There is this scene in first 44 seconds of this clip of The Chosen, Season 2, Episode 3. As far as I know, this is not strictly scriptural, but it is a very human experience.
Peter is only saying out loud to Matthew what many others are thinking. “You betrayed us! I cannot forgive! I will not forgive!”
I’ve been there. (And to be fair, it’s entirely likely that someone has thought that of me. For I, too, have been the betrayer.)
When thoughts of my betrayer would enter my mind, I would literally say, “Ok, I forgive them. But what does that look like? Afterall, they really did hurt me and it was very unjust. And they did it on purpose!” And I would go on feeling angry as I allowed the memories of what they did flood and consume my brain. Doesn’t exactly sound like forgiveness, does it? So rather than deal with it, and truly forgive, I would put them in a “memory pot” and set it on the back burner of my mind.
Paul tells us a cautionary tale about forgiving:
2 Corinthians 2:10-11 “And what I have forgiven — if there was anything to forgive — I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.”
Now there’s a cautionary picture... Satan outwitting me.
Here I am, a Child of God, Redeemed with a New Name, given the Power of the Holy Spirit… and by not forgiving, or by setting forgiveness on the back burner, I have just allowed the devil to outwit and overcome me.
But what about….?
Forgive it.
But they did this….?
Forgive them.
It’s not fair…!
Forgive them & Trust Me.
But they do this ALL the time…!
I know. Forgive again anyway.
I must be willing to repeatedly forgive others who offend me. Sometimes the Christian’s response is “I won’t forgive unless the other person confesses the exact sin, apologizes and begs to be forgiven.” That sounds a bit prideful, and even vengeful.
John 21:21-22 “… ‘Lord, what about this man?’ Jesus said “… What is that to you? You follow me!’”
Forgiveness is an act of humility. Humility says I will forgive even if I never get an apology. It’s not my job to make sure that person knows what they did was wrong. Jesus can handle that. Afterall, Jesus forgave me. Who am I to withhold what has been so graciously and freely given to me?
The Lord has done a great work in my heart regarding forgiveness. Even today, He reminded me of a person I'd been holding something against. I'd forgiven in the past, but then I grabbed those memories and played with them a while. So Jesus reminded me that I said "I won't hold this against them anymore."
I have not done this in my strength. I could not. But I have allowed Jesus to dig down deep, to the root of things, and to bring things to the surface or the front burner.
Philippians 4:13 “I can do everything [ALL things] through Him who GIVES me strength.”
With the help and strength of the Holy Spirit, I have been able to forgive people that I never thought I really could or would. That’s why I would set them on that back burner. (Boy oh boy, you should’ve SEEN how many “pots” I had stacked on that back burner.)
Not human strength, but HIS strength.
Every so often, (like today), God will bring someone, or some act, back to my mind’s eye. And yes, it hurts. But it’s ok. When He does that – I simply grab that “pot of painful memories” and bring it back to the front burner. And Jesus and I deal with it – together – right then and there. No delays. And no excuses.
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© 2026: Connie F. Dunmyer, All Rights Reserved.