~ written by Connie Dunmyer
Have you ever been mad at God? Did you just catch your breath when I said that? I know that some of you reading this may not think it’s even possible to be mad at God. And others think if they ever admitted they were, God might just strike them dead. When someone says “they don’t believe in God”, if you dig down from the surface of that statement, most are simply mad at God. Something bad has happened in their lives and they have decided that the pain overrides any thought of a good and loving Father. Thus, it’s easier to not acknowledge His existence rather than deal with those questions and thoughts. It’s “too painful”. So I contend that to be angry with someone, even God, implies a relationship of sorts. You can’t be angry with someone who doesn’t exist. There is relationship or pre-relationship even in anger.
9/11/2001 was a horrible, tragic, scary and awful day. Words cannot describe what we all felt – nor how all of our lives have changed since that day. 9/11 has many stories. This is my story.
September 11, 2001.
I was mad at God. In fact, I spent the previous few years so very mad at God that I would do and say things just to hurt Him. And having been brought up in the church, being a preacher’s kid, a pastor’s wife, and a bit of a Bible-scholar – I knew just how to do that. As a family, we had gone through some of the worst torture that a pastor’s family can go through. So-called Christians would literally “hunt us down” just to hurt us. For God to allow that seemed false, and downright mean. I felt like He had let me down, rejected me, and to my mind even lied to me. I was mad. I did not trust God, and I wasn't going to give Him a chance to hurt me anymore. So I rebelled. I wanted to hurt Him like I felt He had hurt me.
Read Psalm 88 and you catch a glimpse of how I felt. Words like “You have put me in the lowest pit, in the darkest depths. Your wrath lies heavily on me; you have overwhelmed me with all your waves. You have taken from me my closest friends and have made me repulsive to them. I am confined and cannot escape; my eyes are dim with grief… darkness is my closest friend.” (And note, the psalmist does not end this psalm in healing or in praise. He’s still hurting at the end.)
I don't know if everyone has that kind of emotional experience with God. Maybe not. But for me, this wasn't even the first time I'd been mad at God. There was another time in 1990 when I was sure God let me down. I thought He gave me a specific promise, only to have the opposite happen. I was bedridden in depression for days. I wouldn't talk to anyone. And then one day as I was ranting and yelling at God from beneath my covers, I heard Him say "Don't I deserve the benefit of your doubt?" Folks - I know we often say that we don't "hear" God, we "sense" God. But I promise you, I heard the voice of God that day with my very ears. And in that moment, I stopped my ranting and raving, I burst into repentant tears and said "Oh yes, God. And so much more."
So you may ask, and rightly so, "Then how could you get so mad at God again?" How indeed - and yet, I was.
Then the Twin Towers were hit, and the Pentagon, and Flight 93. Eternity came immediately for so many. And soon after for others.
I was at an onsite meeting with several employees and clients at GE. And like everyone else, we watched in horror as events transpired. When we walked back into our meeting room, my dear friend Randy said "I don't know what you all believe about prayer, but I think we need to stop and pray right now." And so he did - right there at GE. And it was at that moment I realized and said to myself "I have no one to pray to. I have no right to pray to or ask God for anything." It was the single most "alone moment” of my life ... sitting there listening to others pray and sniff back tears ... But I was all alone and completely empty… as empty as the space of sky where those towers once stood.
BUT GOD did not leave me in emptiness. In his never-ending mercy, that day was the beginning of my road back to God (Luke 15:11-24). The beginning of letting go of the past hurts and of all the things that were just plain unfair and unjust. It did not happen all at once. I had become so accustomed to sneering against the idea of God's love, that it took at least a year for me to believe or even recognize that God could possibly forgive AND LOVE me.
Here's part of a prayer from that year: "I have tried this several times in several ways and with many books. We (God & I) both know a lot of water has gone under the bridge. But God, I really want to begin with You again. I have opened my heart and am trusting You again. But ..." (And I continued with my 'buts'.) “You understand when we are living in darkness and feel forsaken. Yet we are not forsaken because YOU truly were. But I may now come to You, God, on my own. I don't think my puny mind can comprehend what that means. But I think I can understand coming to life again."
Since "Love" was the thing that had me stymied, I found a devotional book called "Boundless Love" by some of the Women of Faith. It poured into me in ways I cannot express. [from Thriftbooks, Amazon]
It was the beginning of a "new relationship" with God that became the most intimate relationship I've ever known. How ironic that it took another "unfair" moment in time to make me realize Who I needed to hold me during all my unfair moments. I will always mourn those who died. But I will always remember that day as my day of reclamation. I was redeemed on 9/11.
Why do I tell you this story?
Because there are times when life is unfair, unjust, and it appears that God doesn't give a flying fig about us. [Note the word "appears".] There are times when nothing makes sense and we think to ourselves "If that's love, then I want nothing to do with it." Or maybe "I can handle things better than God." Or like me, "I'll show You!"
There are times when we've lost a loved one - a child even. Thousands are killed in a terrorist attack. What's fair about that? Perhaps we've been thrown into bankruptcy because of "bad luck", or worse, because of someone else's doing. Where's the justice? And then there are health problems. Cancer. Alzheimers. If God can heal the woman with the issue of blood, why not me? Doesn't He love me enough? Or we see that some lunatic just killed innocent young children while attending a church service, a young woman stabbed on a train, or a 31-year-old father of two with so much influence and promise assassinated. Where is God?
These are serious and honest questions. And I do not pretend to have all the answers. I tell you my story because I've been there. In fact, I am there today. Not in your exact circumstances, but yes, in your same situation. Even as a strong believer, I have questions. It wasn't all that long ago I had to admit, through bitter tears, that there were still some things I didn't trust God with.
But I was honest. And in my honest confession - God healed my spirit. In my honesty - God spoke. In my honesty - God revealed. In my honesty - God touched and forgave and began a new relationship with me.
Where is God? He is here. Begin a conversation with Him.
I'm not saying it's ok to stay perpetually mad at God. And I'm not implying that any anger toward God is justified. Rather it's time we are honest about our anger, or indifference, or lack of trust. Because that is where and when the intersection of a Holy God and an honest man or woman takes place and that true healing begins. Admission of our anger breaks its power, and makes repentance, rest, and perfect love possible.
For you see, dear child of God, our Father loves with a perfect love. God loves not as a spectator from a distance, but from the inside out. Inside our deepest guttural pain that we continually try to ignore or push down. God loves ALL the time - even when I'm mad at Him. He loves ALL of me (& you) - even when we don't understand. He loves ALL of us - even when bad things happen. And as long as I am honest with Him, in my very personal daily walk with Him, then I can be enveloped IN that love WHILE I question, WHILE I struggle, WHILE I weep, WHILE I hurt. Staying close to the Shepherd. Allowing His perfect love to guide me along - through the pain, through the rivers, through the fire, through the dark night, through it all.
If you are one who is mad at God right now - be honest with Him. God can handle it – I promise! Do you feel alone? Guess what - you're not. Tell God exactly what you're feeling. But that you want a new relationship with Him - whatever that may look like. Give God the benefit of your doubt. Then just hold on. Because amazing things are coming!
And if you know someone who is mad at God - oh please don’t give up on that person. Pray for them. Daily. Give them space and grace. You may not be able to say words that will help. But by praying for them, and giving space for the Holy Spirit to work, God knows just the right thing, the right time, the right words and WILL affect them - WILL draw them. And I am living proof.
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© 2025: Connie F. Dunmyer, All Rights Reserved.