~ written by Connie Dunmyer
Do you have a gift you are hoping for this Christmas? Have you imagined picking it up, shaking it, opening it, and being so excited? Perhaps what you’re hoping for doesn’t come from a store.
What happens when you don’t get what you hope for? Do you have a miracle or a prayer that you're hoping for? What happens when you ask and pray and believe with all your heart, and still the “box remains empty”?
Hebrews 11:1 – “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” [KJV]
The NIV says: “faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”
I’ve heard this verse for as long as I’ve been alive. And Hebrews 11 is truly a positive list of faith-filled people, full of hope and joy and we can imagine the substance of that for which we hope. And we can even see in our mind’s eye the evidence, the proof, of all the unseen things in the divine world. When we read this, faith seems natural and doable.
Then we get to verse six:
Hebrews 11:6 – “And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek him.”
Of course I believe. Again – sounds very positive . . . . as long as you’re not in the waiting part.
What if you’ve been asking and praying and believing for that miracle to come upon you for such a long time? What if you’re in the waiting?
The other night (at 2AM) I was sad. Not angry but sad. And I told God that I must not have faith. Oh I have moments of faith. And I think in my heart of hearts I do trust God and His Sovereignty.
But as I read Hebrews 11 (which I encourage you to do), I read about the greats, those with such faith that tremendous miracles took place and changed the course of history! But then I get to verse 35:
35 Women received back their dead, raised to life again. There were others who were tortured, refusing to be released so that they might gain an even better resurrection.
In the middle of this verse there is a change. We are no longer talking about miracles. Nope. Now we’re talking about torture, and flogging, and jeers, and chains, and stoning, and being sawed in two, and death, and being destitute, persecuted and mistreated.
Therein lie the real greats. For these people hoped, and prayed, and believed just like me for a miracle.
So when I read about these with such great faith, I have to be honest, it actually stirs up a “fear” in me. Yes, I know that sounds counterintuitive, but in a very real “emotional” sense, I have both faith and fear.
What if God doesn’t come through? What if He makes me go through all this and I lose everything and everyone and I have absolutely nothing?
Which begs the question: Is it possible that I don’t really trust God? And if I don’t trust God really, then can I really claim to have faith? And if I don’t really have faith – then surely I am in no way pleasing God. I want to, but like it says in James:
James 1:6-8 – “But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.”
I make no excuses. For as I’ve said before, I believe complete and guttural honesty before God is what brings about change and a deeper relationship.
Here I am… My fear. My doubt. My wind-tossed mind. Many times I have already given over all of these things to the Father ... all the while believing that He would bring about a miracle. And I can honestly say that most of those times I determined that even if He didn’t give me the miracle for which I was asking – that was ok.
But today – for the past few days – I have begun to wonder… Do I really trust God even if I don’t get my miracle? I think I do. But my feelings are getting the better of me.
No – I am not being tortured by people. But I am being tortured in my spirit.
Ephesians 6:12 – “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”
I am overwhelmed. I am flooded. Most of the time I just keep my mouth shut – even in prayer. I’m kind of in a “fake it til I make it” mode. My silence is bit like David’s in his psalm…
Psalm 39:7-10 – “But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you. Save me from all my transgressions; do not make me the scorn of fools. I was silent; I would not open my mouth, for you are the one who has done this. Remove your scourge from me; I am overcome by the blow of your hand.”
This was David. This IS me. I beg God to not allow me to become the scorn of fools… to not destroy my reputation. I live in silence. Perhaps this is the “why” of my fears. For if God is the One who is bringing this about, then how can I speak against it? And by staying silent, even before the Father, I am allowing all that torture to fester in my soul. My honesty, my fears, my questions, my doubts, my faith-questions all need to be brought to the Father. It's the only way healing can happen.
And frankly – when I consider this (and by consider I mean real time-consuming contemplation) – I realize I don’t even WANT to run to anyone else! Abba is the One I love. Abba is the One Who can save me. Abba is my past, present and future. There IS no one else! Nor do I want there to be.
We may be among those to whose faithful testimony His seal of miraculous deliverance has been given OR we may be among that throng, numberless and nameless, who are called upon to be faithful through a lifetime of undeserved, unexplained, and unrelieved suffering. What can we do but silently bow and worship, seeking His grace that we may be given the strength to “endure, as seeing him who is invisible”. . . .
No one chooses to be the kernel of wheat that falls into the earth to die, but the history of God’s working in His saints, both in the pages of Scripture and out of them, shows that many are thus chosen by their Master to carry out their part in the eternal plan of God. If such be His choice for us, may we be faithful until we receive from our Lord Himself the crown of life. ~ Grace Grows Best in Winter, by Margaret Clarkson
I also noticed another thing. Before the writer of Hebrews even started his discussion of the faith-filled in chapter 11, there is chapter 10, verse 35 which the Father highlighted to me as I was asking all these faith-questions:
Hebrews 10:35-36 – “So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.”
To be sure, I do not know how or why God, the Sovereign Father of the universe, does what He does. Nor do I always know what His will IS for my future.
But a long time ago, I asked Him to make me a “fine cabernet sauvignon”. And to be that wine, to have that “Yield”, my roots have to be stressed. They have to stretch for precious nourishment. I can say with absolute confidence that I believe that’s what God is doing with me and teaching in me. Oh I pray for rain! But God is asking me to stretch beyond the surface, and to grow down into the depths to find the water table that will refresh my soul. That will make the best wine – the best nourishment – the best trust – the best faith – the best relationship.
What better gift could I possibly hope for!
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